That night when Mother died

That night when Mother died, my heart was shattered to a thousand pieces and it gave me pain so unbearable that cannot be compared to anything else.

That night when Mother died cut my life into two parts - the before, and the after. Today the after is longer than the before, which is not fair at all, because no one should live a life that is longer without than it is with someone they love so much.

That night when Mother died I was 26. I was not dependent on her. She had given me everything, she had made me who I was, and I didn’t need her. I just loved her.

That night when Mother died I realized that it was pure love, free from any need, any interest, or anything a child expects from a parent. If anything, it was a moment in my life when I was ready to give something back to her. Because of this,

that night when Mother died I was almost angry at her. I felt betrayed that she wouldn’t let me have a chance to give her something back, even a tiny fraction of all the universe she had given so generously and selflessly to me. But then I realized that she would never do that. She wouldn’t accept anything in return for what she gave. She was a giver, a giver, a giver...forever.

That night when Mother died everything melted within me, and then froze. Since then, I haven’t been able to feel pain the same way, and I hope, and I wish, that I will never be able to for the rest of my life. No one deserves to feel that kind of pain twice.

That night when Mother died was the twentieth of October, when Korça gets its first snow. But it didn’t snow that night. The snow within me was enough.

That night when Mother died was 35 years ago...35 days ago...35 minutes ago...

That night when Mother died was 7600 km away...7600 m away ... was here

That night when Mother died has no time and space.

That night when Mother died...

Why am I writing this in English? Why am I thinking all this in English?

I know why. It is because I can’t bring myself to say “That night when Mother died...” in the language that Mother told me.